If You Really Loved Me - Tim Minchin

If you really loved me the way you say you do If you love me half as much as I love you

You would pluck a planet from the sky

You’d use a star to dot the «I»

In «I love you», that is what you’d do You’d take a dreary day and you would paint it blue

If you loved me unconditionally

These are the things that you would do for me Because I need you

Like a fish needs the sea

Like a fire needs oxygen

Like a flower needs a bee

And if you really cared for me You’d let me video you while you wee

Standing up in the bath — I shouldn’t even have to ask

Perhaps you’d even store a little more in a flask

These are just the things that people do When their love for one another is true

We go together

Like a cracker and Brie

Like racism and ignorance

Like bling and R&B

And if you really want to show you care

You’d let me wear your underwear

When we go to your mum’s, for a bit of harmless fun

I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns

There’s no reason for a big to-do

If you love one another, it’s true

We go together

Like a bird and a nest

Like Internet and kiddie-porn

Like guns and the US

And if you love me like you say you do You’d purchase thirty cockatoos

And teach them to fly in formation in the sky

And shit the words «Tim is God"on my ex-girlfriend's Hyundai

Sure, it might be easier with doves

But shirking challenges is not what love’s all about

Love is not all wine and roses

Sometimes it’s handcuffs and cheese

No one said love is for free

And if you agree with that

You’d sing me passages from the Koran

Wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat

To the tune of Waltzing Matilda

I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder

Because I need you

Like a tick needs a tock

Like bananas need pyjamas

Like a nun needs cock

But if you want to put your love for me first

You wouldn’t go through childbirth

You’d agree to adopt, so that you could stay thin

We’ll get a Chinese kid — it could teach us Mandarin!

And communists don’t make as much noise

And they’re really good at sharing their toys

Because I dig you

Like an Aussie digs pies

Like born-agains dig Jesus

Like Jesus dug guys

And if you love me unconditionally

You’d do my tax return for me Cos it’s way overdue, and I just don’t know,

I guess I’m self-employed but do I still pay as I go?

And does the threshold apply to me?

And should I register for GST?

And if you love me unconditionally,

Would you let me video you while you wee?

(Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on TV)