Sexual Selection - Baba Brinkman

I’m cocky and single and I got your genes tingling

Girl, with my costly signaling

Rockin' the rhythm and all you keep thinkin' about

Is the offspring we’ll bring into the world

And you’re awfully tempting, so you got my genes tingling

Too, with your costly signaling

You’re cute, but you gotta be considerate

And have a sense of humour, or you will not be interesting

Charles Darwin saw natural selection as the most serious cause

Of evolution, but what was going on with bird songs

And peacocks?

They follow mysterious laws

And then Darwin had a curious thought

It probably occurred to him while explaining his theory

To a young Victorian blond, whose face displayed

A mixture of desire and feverish awe

The immediate cause of which Darwin clearly saw

So he said: «My dear, descent with modification comes from

The struggle for survival and reproduction

Hence, the reason for some structures must be seduction»

In fact, Darwin’s brain was probably one such structure

Just as peacocks' tails show off the genes of the top males

And likewise the songs of nightingales, the fighting skills

Of elephant seals, and minnows with colourful scales

These are all traits that sexual selection has shaped

Through the female preference to get with the fittest mates

But in human beings that selection goes both ways

Pretty much anything that’s just for display

And isn’t meant dissuade or chase predators away

Was probably selected for in a sexual way…

But wait, isn’t this just such a display?

I mean, I really thought I had something to say

But, is it just a demonstration of my DNA?

And, so what if it is?

Great, what’s to explain?

Okay, maybe a couple of things

First, to say that something ornate

Like complex language, first evolved as a seductive display

Doesn’t mean that people only use it just to get laid

Darwin leaves Freud in the dustbin, okay?

For instance, I could use a urine stream to put out a fire

But that doesn’t mean the penis evolved as bush fire fighter

This is a theory of language function

A theory of where it comes from;

what it’s used for now

Is a separate discussion;

so which was it?

Was language originally a mechanism for survival or reproduction?

Can you talk a predator out of attacking?

Can you talk a parasite out of infecting?

Can you talk a potential mate in to consenting?

Potentially, right?

Hence, presenting

The grand unified theory of rhyme

The mating mind uses lyrical signs, combined with wit

And wordplay, conversation, humour and different narrative styles

To appraise the fitness of mates, both for the purpose of marriage ties

And for mates of the more temporary kind

These are the humble roots of the literary sublime

We’re all just Shakespearean primates verbalizing our cherry behinds

But how could we test this theory of mine?

Ideally, we could use experimental holding zoos

Filled with human subjects, and with an overhead view

We could observe which breeding pairs reproduce

And how often they use their verbal ornaments to seduce

We could even separate them into control groups

To see whether male or female vocals

Are more prone to be used to stimulate hormones

Although, it’s true that this sort of method isn’t normally approved

If only there existed in a state of nature

Some cultural group preoccupied with makin' paper

And parading naked women shakin' their money makers

In front of competitive males displaying mating behaviour

While trading their creativity for sexual favours

If such a group existed, I predict it would be a major

Player in the entertainment industry, and would be in major

Danger of being overwhelmed by angry player haters

But I may have to save some of my research for later

And how do I answer the charge that I’m participating

In this mating dance myself with these dazzling bars?

That isn’t hard — I plead guilty

I worked hard to achieve this ability

And if it also gives my genes visibility then so be it

But, I confess, it also reveals my unique disability

See, my tendency to tell these monkey fables

And funny medieval tales, generally fails

To attract any nubile young females

It does attract women a lot though

All highly-educated and post-menopausal!

I know, isn’t it awful?

I get mobbed after my Chaucer shows

By grandmas thanking me for making it possible

For them to appreciate a hip-hop flow

And, you might ask, where are their granddaughters?

My guess is, they’re at gangster rap concerts

But that’s how sexual selection works

Any mutation gets tested first

And if it doesn’t get spread, then it gets purged

So this experimental hip-hop mix

Where it gets crossed with literature and lectures

Will probably get the burial that it deserves

That is, unless you spread it like whispers

I’m cocky and single and I got your genes tingling

Girl, with my costly signaling

Rockin' the rhythm and all you keep thinkin' about

Is the offspring we’ll bring into the world

And you’re awfully tempting, so you got my genes tingling

Too, with your costly signaling

You’re cute, but you gotta be considerate

And have a sense of humour, or you will not be interesting