Ted Mosby Is a Jerk - The Solids, Charlene Amoia

Hello, everyone.

I’d like to introduce myself.

I’m a girl who just got screwed over by a guy

A guy named Ted Mosby.

Sure, he seemed nice at first,

But I found out soon enough

Ted Mosby is a jerk

A big, stupid jerk

And I’m going to tell you all about it.

He treats you like a queen,

And then he treats you mean.

My friend, that’s how he works

He gets inside your head

I’m telling you that Ted

Mosby is a jerk.

Ted Mosby is a jerk.

Ted Mosby is a jerk.

Ted Mosby is a jerk.

He seemed so great at first.

He’s an architect, a great dresser,

He smells really good.

I thought he was the answer to my prayers

I was wrong

Because my dream turned into a nightmare.

He says you’ll be his wife

Then cuts you like a knife

It drives a girl berserk

And makes you want him dead

I’m telling you that Ted

Mosby is a jerk.

Ted Mosby is a jerk.

Ted Mosby is a jerk.

Ted Mosby is a jerk.

Are you happy, Ted Mosby,

Knowing the pain you’ve caused me?

You ruined my life.

I thought we had something --

I thought we had a future together.

I was wrong.

Because you’re a liar, Ted Mosby,

A cruel, evil liar.

I can’t believe I actually thought that we had something.

I even told my parents about you.

Yeah, I told them, «Mom, Dad, I met a really nice guy today.

I really think he’s something special.»

But it was all just a cruel joke to you, wasn’t it, you jerk?

I hate you so much with your stupid blond hair and your stupid suit.

I hope you fall down a manhole and die.

I hope you get run over by a steamroller.

I hope someone drops a piano on you from a really, really, really high building.

You make me sick, physically ill.

You’re evil, Ted Mosby,

And if I had one wish, just one chance to change something about the world,

It would be this:

That you were never born,

That there was never a Ted Mosby.

Do you hear me, Ted Mosby?

I hate you.

I hate you for what you’ve done

And for what you will do

And I’m going to make you pay.

Somehow, somewhere, someday,

You’re going to pay for what you’ve done.

I’m totally serious, Ted Mosby,

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

I have this burning hatred for you inside of me.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can only hate.

And it’s all because of you.

It’s because…

I miss you.

I miss … what we had together.

Please call me.

Please call me, Ted, please.

I’m sorry, it’ll be better this time.

It’ll be good.

I’ll be good.

I won’t push you away like I did before.

I HATE YOU!

I hate you… oh, God, I hate you, oh

…make it stop… I'm sorry… Ted…Oh God, it hurts.

What we had was so good.

You know, It was something special.

It only comes around once in a lifetime

You know, that’s why

I just… I got to let you know that you and me

We belong together and

I know you can’t see it clearly right now,

But, you know, that’s why I’m here, you know, that

Your clarity in the rough times

Just take my word for it, Ted.

I do.

I will … forever.

Just me and you.

I’ve thought about our kids' names.

I think we should have a lot of kids, like… ten.

Hopefully all girls.

Well, I don’t know, maybe one boy for you, but… you know.

We can name him Ted Mosby.

Ted Mosby II or III or whatever you are, I don’t know.

I mean, you’ve got a great name: Ted Mosby.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that name,

Like over and over and over…

«Ted Mosby, Ted Mosby.»

I’ve written it all over my walls.

It’s really pretty!

You should come over and look,

It’s like, «I should be a graffiti artist!»

Oh my God.

I’m so glad we got here because, you know,

I feel like I can be honest now, and … and…

And I know we have a good relationship

If I feel able to tell you anything that’s on my mind,

And … um… I love you.

I do.

I love you.

I … I love you, Ted Mosby.

And I have a little surprise for you:

You… you love me, too!

You do.

Maybe you don’t see it right now, but you do.

You… you love me.

Because I’m your destiny

And you’re my destiny.

And we’re going to be together.

And we’re going to be happy, and that’s why this is so hard.

It’s… it’s infuriating to watch you pretend this isn’t real.

You’re such a jerk!

I love you, Ted, but you’re such a jerk!

Why do you do this to me, Ted?

Why are you doing this to us?

You’re taking this beautiful thing that we have and… and you’re destroying it.

And that hurts, Ted.

It hurts.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

Oh, God.

I think I have to puke.

Excuse me…

I think that was Mexican

Oh… oh, God, you’re unbelieveable.

Oh… shake it off, shake it off, shake it off, shake it off…

Euhhhhhh

Euhhhhhh

I think I need to exercise, get this out of my system

Oh yeah

Okay

I’m good

Ted, I hate you.

You hurt me, Ted.

You… you took so much from me.

You stole my pride.

You stole my dignity.

You stole my innocence.

You… you stole my heart.

You stole my umbrella.

Yeah, I know you took it, you jerk.

I had it, and now it’s gone.

Where is it, Ted?

Why don’t you bring it back?

Wait… nevermind.

Sorry, I found it.

It was under my bed.

Mystery solved!

But it still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a jerk, Ted and

I’m going to kill you, Yeah, I’m going to kill you, jerk.

I’m going to kill you, Ted.

I’m going to kill you, oh yeah.

I’m going to kill you.

Die, die… die, die, die.

Die, go away

Wait, come back.

No, die, die.

How do you want to die?

Can I?

What’s your pleasure?

Ted, Can you please call me?

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Call me soon.

Miss you!

I heart you.

1−4-3.

I love you.

I… I… I … I l-l-l-l-l-l-love you

I love you, I love you so bad.

I love you, Ted Mosby, I love you, I love you

I love you, with all of my heart, oh yeah, oh yeah-ah-ah

I love you, I love you, I love the way you look at me, too.

I do, I love you,

I… I… I… I… I… I… hate you.

I hate you, I hate you so bad, I hate you, I hate the way you look at me

It’s so sad.

So sad, so so so so so so bad.

It makes me ma-a-a-a-a-ad

It makes it bad, it makes it so bad.

I love you, love you.

I lo-o-o-o-o-o-ve you.

I love you, my baby, my sweet.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I ha-a-a-a-a-a-te you

I hate you, I hate everything about you, I hate you,

I hate everything about you, I do

And I will make sure that you di-i-i-i-i-ie.

You.

you will… you will die.

I know the truth about you, Ted Mosby.

You look, and act, and talk like a real human being, but I know what you really

are.

You’re a Cylon, and your only goal is total annihilation of the entire human

race.

I talked to my best friend, Dr. Baltar, and he told me, so don’t tell me that

you love me.

Don’t tell me that you have feelings, you can’t have feelings.

You’re a frakkin toaster!

I love you

I hate you

I love you

I HATE YOU!

I love you

I HATE YOU!!!

I love you

Hate you!

Lo-o-o-o-ve you

I hate you

I love you

I ha-a-a-a-a-a-te you

I hate you and hope that you break down and die, die, di-i-ie

And if you don’t, I’ll kill you, I will, I really will…

It won’t be the first time, I’ve done it before.

Oh yeah, but that’s another

song.

(That's another song)

Oh yeah, that’s another song

(That's another song)

I’ll tell you about that next time

(oooh)

Yeah

(Oooh, that’s another song)

Part III

By the way, Ted, my parents are coming in to town next week, and it would be

great if you could come and have dinner with us.

I know that you and I are

going through a little bit of a rough patch, but I want them to see that I’m

doing fine here in New York, and that you DO exist, and that I don’t need to

that stupid hospital in St. Louis where the guys in the white jackets are

trying to kill me.

They feed me these, spiders, Ted -- these, these,

these poisonous spiders -- and also, I just really want you to meet my mom,

because she’s heard so much about you and she wants to thank you for the

sweater you got her for Christmas.

I picked it out and wrapped it for you,

sweetie, so don’t worry about it, just nod and play along, and do NOT let them

give me any kind of pill or medicine, because that’s how it all went down last

time.

I don’t need medicine, I AM the medicine.

God put me here to tell you

that you can’t do this to people, Ted Mosby.

You can’t walk through life

thinking your actions have no repercussions!

All actions have consequences,

no matter how quietly they reverberate through the universe.

You can flap your

butterfly wings, Ted Mosby, and pretend there’s no storm in China,

but I say unto you that there is a storm, and it’s a hurricane,

and it’s growing, and it’s building in size and scope, and soon it will be at

your door, And when it comes no one will be saved.

The blood of the innocents

will stain the street like that of the wicked.

The cross shall be a sword.

The seven lions shall be unleashed.

The brimstone will fall on the land.

And lo, the angels shall gnash their fiery teeth … eternal reckoning and

unholy consummation … stripped and left naked lying among the wastes…

ten years of darkness, Ted Mosby!

I hate you, I hate you!

You filthy rotten bastard, I hope you die!

You die!

You make me sick

Why won’t you just leave me alone and die… die…

oh hang on a second…

(Hello? What? I’m not making any noise. No, that’s not me. No, it’s NOT me.

You clearly DON’T know my voice… I don’t know, I’ve never even heard of the

guy… look, I’ve got better things to do than sit around and write songs about

some guy named Ted Mosby, okay?

I’ve got to go.)

Uh, Ted, I got to go.

But in closing, I hate you, I want you to die,

and when you die, you go to hell, and when you get there, I hope the devil

turns you on a spit over a hot flame for eternity.

Oh, uh, one more thing --

that night, you got me pregnant.

Congratulations, you’re a dad!

Okay…

Okay, I’m kidding.

But wouldn’t it be cool if we had kids?

Think about it.

I HATE YOU!