Scatterbrain - MZM

Lemme try to keep it simple

This instrumental is here to give my mental

So if you want suspenseful

Just go to the end of all of this (and what?) ask yourself what it meant to you

I see it as prevention, a race against me

A self intervention, mirror face against me

I have my own struggles and pain, like all people do

But different how it’s processed, and what it equals to

When you see the surface, and scratch in here

You’d never know the issues that was stashed in here

I became numb, everyday Im desensitized

Engraved, memorized, and stayed compartmentalized

Hide behind a smile, cover up, jokes away

Never shared my cards dealt, I stayed with a pokerface

Kept to myself, my circle didn’t know this

'06 eviction notice, with that time spent homeless

My faith was in the gutter, but I’m starting to believe again

God puts people in your path, when you needing 'em

Shout out to Hex, everytime I talk to him

In my head I’m sending prayers up for him to walk again

When I get to see him I see my own truth

He’s in a wheelchair with a smile, so what’s my excuse?

Cause this whole time, I act like I can’t afford to be

Havin inner peace, like it ain’t awards to me

Y’all saw I was fine, but never saw inside of him

And you never saw me in my thoughts after 9pm

Think 'bout dad when we spoke, did I mention

He took his last breath before he could finish that sentence

Everyday I wonder what he was gonna say to me

Or was it so his memory would always just stay wit me

We won’t live forever, I get that, I know what’s up

I just wish he ain’t leave when we started to open up

And have man to man talks, would he be proud

I wish he could see the growth and see me now

As much as god gives, god takes, I don’t get

I know it’s a test, why can’t we be equipped

Not sure if I’m supposed to ask or have opinions

But I’m a human, with a brain, so nah, I’m not a minion

But grateful for what I have, grateful for family

Grateful for them years spent with my Auntie Annie

She was my second mother, brought me home from the hospital

Helped support us, got us past obstacles

Last time I saw her, it was hard to look at her

So lemme get this off of my chest;

fuck cancer!

Meds ain’t do shit, chemo wasn’t working

Became a whole different person, you could tell she was hurting

Still made jokes, being funny for me

Still reaching for her purse givin money to me

Her last words to me kept me from combusting

Cause I was young, I was savage on a path of destruction

I turned 19 on the day she died

Birthday’s ain’t the same, she remains in my brain

I never shed a tear though I was hurt, how?

Sharing this with you is causing waterworks now

Odds against the kid, tryna be in society

Progressive depression mixed with anxiety

Doc gave prescriptions, said to put my mind at rest

It caused new symptoms, dealin with the side effects

Lemme tell you what goes on in my head

Lemme talk to you about my cousin Ahmed

Older than me, big brother that I never had

Schooled me when I fucked up, and nah, he was never mad

March 2010, I’ll never forget the day

Got the call he was dead, but ain’t know he decayed

Racing to his crib, thoughts race inside of him

Asked to identify him, I’m barely recognizing him

Gone over a week now, in his bed decomposed

To this day, the dead body smell’s stuck in my nose

Autopsy said his heart stopped working

But lemme tell you what puzzles me

He was active and healthy, in better shape then I am, so when I do the damn

math, that troubles me

He was 38 so here’s where my thoughts off

In my head I’m scared cause that age ain’t too far off

I worry bout my mothers health, here’s what I think, shit

Lemme stop talkin, I don’t wanna jinx it

Speaking of my mother, wish there wasn’t so much sacrifice

I wish that she would just be satisfied

No matter how hard I try, she demands more

And I guess that’s good cuz it shows me what I stand for

Cause I forgot, like that time with a bullet

Gun off safety but couldn’t bring myself to pull it

Self shooting range, target under my chin

Not going back, I’m not running again

Angels watching over, bigger things meant for me

Cause I forgot that do not disturb sign in Tennessee

Foolish when I thought I couldn’t take no more

I rebuilt myself and I won’t break no more

And in my current mind, with a push I can agree

The way I went about it all was pussy to me

These all immediate, what about my friends passed

I don’t talk about it much, I’m stuck at an impasse

So I got thoughts in my head that be runnin' through

Been around death so much, graveyards are comfortable

I wear my heart visible like badge of honor

But these hoes come and shatter the armor

2010, cocky, superficial, it was obvious

Money coming in and I was dating this model bitch

I talked bout the story, but here’s what happened with that

She was pregnant and aborted, told me after the fact

Bury that fatherhood dream and got the shovel out

Now won’t fuck a bitch unless I nut in her mouth

Baggage in my head, and I haul it with a troubled camper

So now the way I treat women is a double standard

Cause my oldest niece is grown and if a man did that stuff

To her, I have no choice, I would fuck his ass up

Shit I say to them, you’d think they be offended

I share my heartbreak then they wanna mend it

See my grey hairs then they wanna pretend it’s

Not caused from stress so they say it’s distinguished

Borderline socio, so I stare at 'em cynical

Then they get mad when I’m over analytical

Women that I talk to, I wonder what they here for

Cause I’ll tell em the truth then they wanna hear more

Admit I’m fucked up then they wanna be near more

Treat 'em like shit but then they just appear more

Shoot me a text to not call em again

And mad that I didn’t, so they callin again

Callin' me names, I’m deciding what to make of it

So I just ignore her, then she feels a way with it

Some said they want more, offered a relationship

I gave 'em all I had, but then they ran away from it

Wonder what the cause is, could it just be me

If this were trophies, I’d have a three peat

Then they try to say that men ain’t serious

So what she think I was, tell me cause I’m curious

You don’t know urself, so how you gon' define me

Still got a ring in my dresser to remind me

Can’t trust a bitch who ain’t got read receipts on

2016 and that’s the shit I gotta think on?

As the world turns, gotta focus on what’s meant for me

I share my pain, hope to heal, not for sympathy

Surrounded by darkness and it comes to visit me

Every so often, wit my brain to make a symphony