The Groupie Routine - Frank Zappa

Mark: I mean really… Really!

Howard: Rant-ran-n-n-nant rant-rant-rant…

Mark: I mean, you guys, what can I say, you guys are my favorite band.

You gotta tell me something… are you here in Hollywood long?

I mean, I just.

Howard: No, I’m uh, we’re recording here in town

Mark: You’re recording?

Howard: Yeah, at the Record Plant

Mark: The Record Plant.

Oh!

Howard: Yeah

Mark: Bobby Sherman records there.

I just love Bobby Sherman, and David Cassidy.

Do you know David Cassidy?

Howard: No… I…

Mark: Have you ever run into any of the members of the Three Dog Night?

Howard: Joe Schermie once, uh…

Mark: OH-HHH!

They are my favorite band, they’re so professional, I mean,

so creative… How about David Crosby?

I mean, he so… IN, y’know, I…

Howard: No, I never…

Mark: He’s… he just knows, I mean, he almost cut his hair, but he didn’t,

well…

Howard: No, listen, do you know how… do you know how to get to the Chateau

Marmont from here?

Mark: Not exactly, is it by the… by the airport?

Howard: No, no, we don’t… we have a bus on this particular thing…

Mark: Oh!

Howard: Yeah

Mark: Tell me one thing, do you like my new car?

Howard: Oh, yeah, it’s a Pavilion, isn’t it?

Mark: Oh!

Not just a Pavilion, it’s a Pauley Pavilion

Howard: Oh!

(Bleagh!) Yeah, it’s real futuristic, I like the little naked man

turn signals.

So, uh… we gotta get up, y’know and go to the studio in the

morning, and then we record for about two weeks and then we, uh, we leave again

FZ: Ha ha ha ha!

Mark: Oh really?

Where do you play when you go from here?

Howard: Uh, let me see… NEEDLES…

Mark: Oh, you guys are so professional!

Howard: No, it’s nothing…

Mark: I mean the way you get to travel to…

Howard: It’s a…

Mark:…to all those exotic towns you get to play in, and playin' all these

great sounding halls, I mean…

Howard: I’m immune to it, you know…

Mark: Tell me something.

Do you really have a hit single in the charts now,

right now I mean, with a BULLET?

That’s really important

Howard: Listen, baby, would I lie to you just to run my fingers through your

pubes?

Mark: Don’t talk to me that way!

Howard: No, what I was saying…

Mark: I AM NOT A GROUPIE!

Howard: I never said you’re a…

Mark: I am not a groupie, neither are my friends here, Jim, and Ian,

and Aynsley and Don and Frank, none of us are groupies!

Howard: Pleased to meet all you girls

FZ: Hi, Howie!

Mark: Tell 'em, tell 'em, we don’t, we aren’t groupies

Jim: Howard…

Howard: Yeah…

Jim: We only like musicians for friends

Howard: That’s right

Jim: You, you know?

You understand?

FZ: We still wanna hear your record

Mark: And we’d still like to come in your bus

Howard: Yeah?

Listen now, on the other side of record didn’t you say that you

get off being juked with a baby octopus and spewed upon with creamed corn,

and that your hair-lipped queen-o bass-playing girlfriend with the crossed

eyes and the tits on his shirt had to have it with a hot 7-UP bottle or he went

UP THE WALL?

Mark: Oh, Howie…

Howard: What’s the deal, MAMA?

Mark: Howie, all that’s true, Howie, and sometimes I even dig it with a

Jack-In-The-Box ring job.

But Howie, we are not…

Howard: At last!

Mark: We are not groupies, Howie, I told Robert Plant that…

Howard: Plant-uh?

Mark: I told Elton John, I told Steve Stills…

Howard: Yeah…

Mark: And he didn’t even want to ball me

Howard: I can see that.

Listen.

The thing is, baby, I want some action, yknow?

I’m only here for a coupla weeks recording at the Record Plant with the naked

statue in the bathroom 'n stuff, I’m horny as fuck.

Listen to me.

I want a steaming, succulent, juicy, drippy, ever-widening kind of a smelly,

slimy, many-folded sort of in-and-out contracting sphincter kind of a hole

with a, with a, with a… let’s see, there’s gotta be a way I can put this

discreetly…

FZ: Ha ha ha!

Howard: Let’s say we hop in the aisle over those guys in the blue and FUCK,

BABY!

Mark: Hey, hey, hey!

I’m in this band, man!

I told you that many times.

No matter what goes on.

Listen, it just so happens tonight… I mean,

this is unbelievable.

Are you a Virgo?

Howard: No…

Mark: I mean it just so happens tonight me and my girlfriends, well we came

here lookin' for a guy from a group…

Howard: Ahhh!

Mark: But just not ANY guy from ANY group…

Howard: Yeah?

Mark: We’re lookin' for a guy from a group with a DICK!

Howard: Well!

I can show you…

Mark: But he’s gotta have a dick WHICH IS A MONSTER!

WAHHHHH!

Howard: That’s me!

You peeked.

That’s me, you little Westwood wench nipple

queen!

Take me, I’m yours, you hole… Fulfill my wildest dreams…

Mark: Oh, oh, oh, anything for you, my most seductive pop star of a man…

Howard: Yeah?

Mark: Picture this if you can…

Howard: Okay, I’ll try…

Mark: Bead jobs…

Howard: Bead jobs!

Mark: Knotted nylons.

Bamboo canes.

Three unreleased recordings of Crosby,

Stills, Nash and Young fighting at the Fillmore East

Howard: Oh, no…

Mark: Two unreleased recordings of… of the Grateful Dead sitting in with Mel

Torme

Howard: Yeah… No, I… oh, man, oh, I, I just… I CAN’T STAND IT!

You understand me, baby, I mean… I CAN’T STAND IT!

I CAN’T STAND IT!

I CAN’T STAND IT!

ON FIRE!

I’M GOING HOME!

I GOTTA SEE MY BABY!

I’M GONNA LOVE HER SO MUCH!

I CAN’T STAND IT!