Heist / Monkey - Dane Cook

I was talking to this girl the other day and she said

«all guys want is sex»

And i said «listen, finish blowing me, and we are gonna talk about this…

later»…

That’s a lie…

I said it because it was funny

She actually said that she goes «thats all guys, dane, is sex» and i said to her

«nay…»

I said «theres other things guys want besides sex.

we’re just a little

embarrassed to admit them but im putting it out in the universe so you can

respect us for who we are as men»

For example any guy here more than sex if they had the choice of sex or this

one other thing any guy here would rather be part of a heist!

You know when you watch the movie «Heat» your like «i wanna do that!»

You just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-47…

Pffffpffffpffff

WHERE’S THE VAN?

Pffffpffff

THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!

Pffffff

We want that guy whos on a computer and is like

«give me a minute i just need one more minute dude i need one more minute to

hack into the mainframe

Im in frenster they re-routed me into frenster i need a minute…

WHERE’S THE FUCKING VAN!

pfffff

Theres always that guy on the team too he was a last minute replacement hes not

one of the original gang but one of the guys vouches for him

«no no dude trust me this guys cool

Hes solid and hes cool»

But hes not cool is he?

He doesn’t really say anything ever right he just stands there and looks cool,

and at one point he might be like

«let's kill these bitches»

I wanna be part of a heist and i wanna get shot here in the back of my leg…

Pow «OW shit!»

It stings but it still makes me feel kinda cool

I keep looking at the blood going

No no no no… bleeding from the leg

WHERES THE VAN?!

We wanna be a part of a heist and than there’s something else that we want even

more than the heist even more than sex any guy here would love to have

A monkey

A pet monkey

And people get mad and sometimes youd say oh i’d love to have a monkey and

theres always that one anti-monkey person in the area

They over hear you «excuse me i heard you saying you’d like to have a monkey

and thats a horrible idea you do not want a monkey you do not want a monkey»

Theyre a monkey expert and they start listing off all the reasons YOU can’t

have a monkey

«let me tell you a few things

Can i just have a minute can i have a minute

Can i just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you dont know before

you jump to your conclusion?

Ok?

Its more than just bananas and dancing with tooth brushes

Ok?

First of all they crap in their own hands and they throw it around in a festive

manner

Like theyre at a celebration of monkey poop and

They make faces that are unacceptable in society…»

I hear these things and im like

Thats why i want a monkey all those reasons!

I dont want a nice quiet monkey

I want an evil monkey that i can dress in armor give him a sword have fights

with him inside my place…

How pumped would you be driving home from work knowing someplace in your house

theres a monkey your gonna battle!

Thats awesome!

You walk in

Ahhh… monkey?

you here?

…ahhhh…

Where are you…

Im in your closet…

Holy shit you just talked…

I taught myself to talk…

This is incredibly odd!

I know lets fight…

Ok…

This would be the ultimate what if after the heist you jump in the van and the

monkey is driving the van

«GET IN!

WE GOTTA GO!

WE GOTTA GO!

WE GOTTA GO…

Makes me sad cuz i know it’ll never happen…