Crash Bandicoot vs. Neo Cortex - Dan Bull, Sav

It’s the Bull- Dan Bull

With my mate age, SAV-age

We’re gonna go back in time now

Way back, to when it was still socially acceptable

For an anthropomorphic marsupial to wear high-tops!

'Cause I’m Crash

Big red haired animal with pants and shoes

You don’t really know me for my dancing moves

Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!

I’m Crash

I said Crash

I’m Crash

Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!

They call me Crash B-B-Bandicoot

Big red haired animal with pants and shoes

My genetics were enhanced in a lab

By two N. Sane scientists, I knew what I had to do

(Break free)

I’ve got to think quick and run

From the doctors and wow, I can spin, kick and jump

Running through the lab like a young George Best

I can reach a vortex, just three or four steps

Standing in my way I can see a forehead

My creator, my nemesis, Neo Cortex

He’s a nearly bald man with a goatee

With a big 'N' on his head

And 'O' 'B' are the two letters that are kept in his coat, see

'N.O.B.'

would look better for the slow readers

Running through the levels where rocks are rolling there

I’m dodging fire, riding on hogs and polar bears

And I haven’t got a care when I grab an Aku Aku

'Cause you ain’t gonna hurt me when

(Ooga booga!)

Thank you!

There’s lots to fear, see

I’m dodging TNT and boxes that are green

But wait, I’ve got to pause for a slo-mo

Eyebrows up and down always, I’m loco

Man, I should be armed with a GoPro

You can watch me while I’m searching for Tawna and Coco

I should be at a disco with friends

Instead I’m collecting these crystals and gems

No pistols or anything vicious

'Cause this is for kids, but us kids are now men

Equip me with anything, watch me come for you

My bazooka is shooting you with a Wumpa fruit

Forget your five a day, I got a hundred too

That’ll puncture through you, you’ll need a number two

'Cause I’m Crash

Big red haired animal with pants and shoes

You don’t really know me for my dancing moves

Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!

I’m Crash

I said Crash

I’m Crash

Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!

My birth certificate says Neo Periwinkle Cortex

The best nemesis that ever did draw breath

Perfectionist, vivisectionist with a special gift

For resurrecting minions from any critters, pets and shit

But I bet I never win a nobel prize

I presume they’ve got a policy: No bad guys

If you don’t know me, I’m the mojo thief

Giving loads of grief to boatloads of peeps

Because they’re so beneath me, nobody sees

As deeply the scope of my rogueish schemes

In preschool I was the recipient of ridicule

Pretty please do tell me now: Who’s the silly fool?

When I minimize the planet 'til it’s miniscule

Making the Pacific Ocean fit into the kiddy pool

You’re a little waste of energy, so I kilojoule

You must admit it, isn’t being an evil villain cool?

If I look like a stereotypical bad guy

The reason is because I am one, that’s why

But far more than a mere mad scientist

Rewiring household appliances

I am the vilest nihilist, tirelessly riotous

Fracturing alliances, confirming biases

Cultivating viruses, causing mild psoriasis

Yes I’m getting under your skin, like an itch

I am an antagonist, like Dan is to Savage

That’s just how I cope with my emotional baggage

Do you know how it feels to have a head so massive

You can walk down the pavement and still stop traffic?

Remastered with Nil block graphics

Twenty years on and we still drop classics

The mic’s real hot but I will not pass it

So go and shout it from the hilltops, SAV, it’s

'Cause I’m Crash

Big red haired animal with pants and shoes

You don’t really know me for my dancing moves

Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!

I’m Crash

I said Crash

I’m Crash

Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!

I rather enjoyed that

Do you know I never actually played Crash Bandicoot?

I pretty much just… reworded the Wikipedia article on Neo Cortex

So it rhymed a bit better

That’s essentially my job