You've Never Had It So Good - Andrew Lloyd Webber, Stephen Ward Original London Cast

Ten years back

Life was grim

Men were dull

Girls were prim

Fogs were thick

Food was bland

Sex was all

In the hand

Our idea

Of obscene:

Early night

Ovaltine

That’s all gone

As you see

We’re all rich

Love is free

You’ve never had it so good

You’ve never had it so often

Go and do what you never could

A brand new brother and sisterhood

You’ve never had it so good

By the way, did you see Joseph Kennedy had a massive stroke?

No!

He’s a great friend of my mother’s.

Used to come 'round all the time during the

war, they had quite a lot in common

Oh, yes?

What?

Both frightfully keen on Hitler

(Laughter)

Mariella had a dallience with the President, didn’t you, dear?

Yes, at the Hampshire House on Central Park.

Good-looking fellow

Really?

What was he like?

Bit preoccupied.

Still, he gave me a hundred dollars.

Worked out about

seventy-five dollars a minute

Do you like

S&M?

I don’t mind

One of them

Here, you can

Have it off

With some old

English toff

Who is that

In the mask?

They won’t say

So don’t ask

Could be some

Royal duke

Possibly

King Farouk

You’ve never had it so good

You’ve never had it so often

Chelsea’s buzzing like Hollywood

In Mayfair it’s well understood

You’ve never had it so good

(THE MAN IN THE MASK pauses in front of MARIELLA.)

I hope everything is to your satisfaction, mistress!

Why are you interrupting?

Did I ask you to stick your oar in?

No, mistress!

Sorry, mistress!

And where’s the white sugar?

I thought people preferred brown with their coffee!

You thought?

You thought?!

Who asked you to think?!

Nobody, mistress!

Go in the kitchen!

Bill will be in to chastise you in a minute, won’t you, Bill?

Whatever you say, Mariella

Oh, thank you, mistress!

You won’t thank me when Bill’s finished with you

(THE MAN IN THE MASK scurries off; and MARIELLA taps her cup with a spoon for

silence.)

I’m blowing the whistle for the kickoff!

Here we go!

It’s everybody’s lucky day!

(Whistle)

(A kind of courtly dance begins, as the orgy gets under way.)

(with some lines sung by parts of the group)

Pair off!

It’s time to pair off!

The whistle goes, and they’re off!

Now’s the time for you to show your mettle!

Last one with their clothes off boils the kettle

Spanking!

I’m all for spanking!

Which stranger am I thanking?

You’ll feel so good

Once you’ve got all your clothes off

You’ll find you are ready for anything!

I’m saying, one thing’s for sure

You are not going to doze off

It’s down on your knees

But no praying!

Stroke me!

Somebody stroke me!

Punish me, prod and poke me!

Smother me in strawberries and lick me!

Bring out your embroidery and prick me!

Use me!

Come on and use me!

Don’t hang about — abuse me!

Just wave goodbye

To those dull inhibitions

You just have to be ready for anything!

Get started!

It’s time to try

Those ambitious positions

The ones that scare off the faint-hearted

You’ve never had it so good

You’ve never had it so often

Go and do what you never could

A brand new brother and sisterhood

You’ve never had it so

Good!

You’ve never had it so good!

(Total abandon.)